


this is me judging you

by wizened_cynic



Category: CW Network RPF, Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Crack, Crossover, F/F, Gen, I Don't Even Know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-12
Updated: 2012-04-12
Packaged: 2017-11-03 12:55:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/381568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wizened_cynic/pseuds/wizened_cynic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I don't believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at. - Maya Angelou </p><p>Five times Chad bonded with his sister.</p>
            </blockquote>





	this is me judging you

**Author's Note:**

> In the same crack universe as my other Chad fic, in which Chad Michael Murray is Alexandra Cabot's half-brother. Don't try to parse it; it will never make any sense.

**10**

Chad's so awesome that there is a country named after him. 

That's the first thing he says to the girl who's supposed to be his sister. 

(Half-sister.

Chad wonders what the rules are about half-sisters. Are you allowed to hit on them? Because Alex is kind of hot, even though she has no boobs and is one of those chicks who looks pissed off all the time. Kind of like the librarian at school.

Alex is rocking those glasses of hers though.

Like the librarian at school.

It's too bad Chad hates to read.) 

Alex doesn't look very impressed with Chad, or his country. "It's not named after you." 

"Sure it is," Chad tells her. "It's called Chad. I'm Chad." 

Alex stares at him for a long time. It doesn't give him a boner or anything, so maybe half-sisters are out of the question. 

"Well, then you've got seventh poorest country in the world named after you," Alex says, finally. "Congratulations."

 

**15**

Chad owns a lot of porn, but he's not a collector. 

Collectors buy shit and put them away and never really appreciate them the way they fucking deserve. 

Chad doesn't just buy porn; he _enjoys_ them. He watches all of them and makes very tasteful reviews in his journal, or at least he would if he could find his goddamn journal amidst all his porn. 

Chad also likes to share. Because he's awesome like that.

So he's thrilled when he comes home early one night to find Alex in the den, watching what Chad knows for fucking sure is the second act of _Star Whores_. 

"I figured you would be way more into intergalactic lesbians than fucking _Indiana Bones_ ," Chad comments as one of the star whores starts eating the other's pussy. That's the best thing about porn; you don't have to worry about things like people's names, or plot, or pointless shit like that.

Alex jumps on the remote like it's made of pussy and turns VCR off sooner than Whore No. 1 can come onscreen. "Chad!" she yells, like it's _his_ fault she's watching his porn. "I thought you were supposed to be at a friend's house." 

"Her parents came home early," he says, crashing onto the other end of the sofa. "Almost got to third base. That's oral, right?" 

Alex glares at him. "It's more like statutory rape." 

Chad considers this. "Nope, that's a home run." 

Alex is still glaring at him, but it doesn't work, because Chad gets glared at so often that he forgets it's supposed to mean something. After about ten minutes of glaring, Alex gives up and says, "I'm going to go study." 

Oh hells no, Chad isn't going to have any of that. "Sit down and finish your porn, young lady," he commands, sounding like his stepmom whenever she tries to get his dad to do something, except instead of "young lady," his stepmom prefers, "you stupid cheating prick." 

Alex looks mad at first, and then embarrassed, and then a combination of both that would've been a turn on if Chad hasn't been conditioned by now to know that sisters, even half, are off limits. 

Chad gets up and hands the remote to her. "I will let you have some privacy," he says, because he is a magnificent human being. 

And because there's no way he is going to let perfectly good porn go to waste. 

 

**20**

Chad doesn't go to college because he wants to learn shit. He goes to college because high school chicks dig college guys.

It happens by chance that in college, he discovers his true passion: film. 

"I thought your true passion was porn," Alex says, when they're home from Thanksgiving. Alex is a 3L at Harvard Law, which makes her one of the smartest people in the universe. But still not as smart as Chad, because Chad's managed to combine his two biggest passions in life.

"Oh, dude, is that your dick?" his roommate Jared asks. He's spending Thanksgiving with Chad because his family hates him for being gay. Chad doesn't hate gays, and neither does his family. In fact, the first thing Chad said when Jared came out was, "My sister's a big fucking dyke! We love the gays in my family! And we always have three kinds of pie!" 

"Dude, you know what my dick looks like," Chad answers. 

"What are we watching?" Chad's father asks. He's had a mild heart attack and his pills make him all dopey. Also, it could be that it's been so long since his own dick has been as hard as Chad's that he doesn't recognize what it looks like, although Chad doesn't like to think about his dad's dick. 

"Amateur porn," says Chad's stepmom. In a way she's always appreciated Chad more than his real mom ever did. "Chadworth's project for school."

"Chad, this is making me feel very uncomfortable," Alex says, in her warning tone. When Chad was about twelve, and Alex seventeen, she came up with the idea of the Chad threshold. Alex would warn Chad three times before his behavior crossed the Chad threshold. Once he crossed the threshold, Alex was allowed to punch him in the face. Chad is not sure why he agreed to it; it seemed reasonable at the time. 

"Yeah, I was kind of going for the whole Blair Witch type thing here." 

"Not that kind of uncomfortable." 

"Let your brother showcase his work," Stepmom chides. "We put your pictures up on the fridge when you were little." 

"Nobody was _naked_ in those pictures!" 

"You were never a very good artist," says Stepmom. 

Alex scowls, and winces as the camera flips upside down and zooms in on his RA Shelley's nipple. "Chad!" 

"I thought there was going to be pie," Jared says. 

"I do like pie," Chad's father muses as he steps out of his chair and starts lumbering back towards the dining room. 

"Come on, it's almost over," Chad says.

"That's what she said," Alex mutters. 

Because Chad's a magnanimous person and because he appreciates a good burn when he hears one, he holds out his hand and tries to high five her. 

"You've crossed the threshold," Alex says, and punches him in the face.

 

**25**

Chad is there for his sister when her career crashes and burns. 

"Look, I know it sucks that you accidentally almost killed a kid," he says, over the sound of the singing coconuts he keeps in his dressing room. "But shit happens. Don't let it get you down."

"I didn't accidentally almost kill a kid," Alex says. She sounds tired, and not at all like the sister Chad is used to punching him in the face. "He tried to commit suicide and ended up in a vegetative state. There's a difference." 

"Yeah, but it's still your fault, right?" Chad points out. 

Alex is quiet for a long time. And then, "Yes. It is." 

If Chad were genuinely capable of feeling sorry for anything, he would've been sorry for Alex. Instead, he says, "Well, cheer up, big sister. I've got a new job for you." 

"Oh, god." 

"It's not porn! You don't have the body for it."

"That's one, Chad. Two steps away from the threshold." 

"It's a _legal_ job," Chad tells her. "An actual job that is legal. And deals with legal shit. You're going to be my lawyer!" 

"What?" 

"My lawyer quit on me after his wife gave me a blowjob during the wrap party for Season 1! There's totally room for a new lesbian lawyer in the awesome life that is the Chad's, and that lesbian lawyer, my dear, is you." 

"I'm not disbarred, you know. And I'm definitely not _desperate_."

"Well, that's too bad, because I already told Kristen Bell's lawyer to call you."

"Do I want to know why he's going to call me?" Alex asks suspiciously. 

"No biggie," Chad shrugs. "Might've given her syphilis. But you can fix that, right?" 

 

**29+1**

"I can't believe Chad is the best man at our wedding," Lauren says, which confuses Chad a little.

Why _wouldn't_ Chad be the best man at his sister's wedding? He should be the best man at everybody's wedding.

He's the _best man_ , period. Like, _in the universe_. 

"I can't believe you two don't have a single bridesmaid," Milo says, forlornly. He's one of the bridesman, because Alex has no friends so she has to borrow Chad's. Milo looks damn good in Vera Wang though, because Alex and Lauren had this stupidshit idea that the only way to stop Chad from fucking a bridesmaid is to not have bridesmaids at their wedding altogether.

Though Chad's gotta say, it's working because you can't pay him enough to fuck Milo, even in drag. You don't know where Ventimiglia's been. 

"Sweet mother of Christ, there's finally somebody you wouldn't fuck." Lauren gasps when Chad tells her this as they bump into each other at the waffle station. It was Lauren's idea to serve brunch at the wedding. Alex is a pretty lucky woman. "It must be a fucking wedding miracle!" 

"You kiss your mother with that mouth, Graham?" Chad teases.

"I kiss your sister with that mouth."

Even across the dance hall, Chad can feel Alex's eyes rolling.

The music starts and people start shuffling around, getting ready to dance. It's totally lame, but Chad suddenly realizes that he's never danced with his sister before, and he thinks, _Why the fuck not?_ It's a fucking lesbian wedding where he doesn't want to fuck anybody, so there's a first time for everything after all. 

Alex doesn't recoil in disgust when Chad holds out his hands, and they start to dance. She's not wearing her glasses, but when Chad dips her and she half-smiles, half-glares at him, he remembers the first time they met. 

"There's a country named after me, you know," he tells her. "Because I'm so awesome." 

"Yeah, I know," she says, and smiles. "Seventh poorest country in the world."

-

  



End file.
